Your Horse Feels What You Won’t Face

There’s a sacred language between horse and human that few truly understand. It exists beyond cues, beyond technique, beyond discipline or tradition. It’s the language of 𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗴𝘆, 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝗻𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵.

You might call it feel. You might call it presence. But your horse knows exactly what it is and they’re reading you in it every time you show up. Your horse is listening not only to what you’re asking, but to 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴.

They feel it in your hands. They feel it in your breath.They feel it in the tension you carry in your jaw, your seat, your shoulders. They feel what you suppress, what you hide, and what you try to push through. That’s why no amount of technique can fully replace this one truth: 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲.

And if there’s a part of you that’s tired of trying to “ride through it,” forcing the connection, or wondering why your horse seems to respond to everyone else more easily, it might be time to ask a deeper question:

𝗪𝗵𝗼’𝘀 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂?

Introducing the Dark Passenger

There’s a part of you that you may not even be aware of. A subconscious influence that shows up every time you enter the arena. It whispers doubt, heightens pressure, shuts down joy, or fuels frustration.

It’s the internal narrative that tells you you’re not good enough. The bracing in your body from that time you fell. The pressure to perform perfectly in front of your trainer. The guilt for taking a day off. The fear of asking for more. The need to control every step. The exhaustion from doing it all alone. You may think you're leaving it at the barn gate, but it climbs into the saddle with you every time.

And your horse? 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗶𝘁.

The 𝗗𝗮𝗿𝗸 𝗣𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 is the part of you that influences your horsemanship without your conscious permission. It may show up as fear, perfectionism, the need for control, self-doubt, or the residue of past trauma. Contrary to popular opinion, these aren’t simply “bad habits”, they are survival strategies your nervous system learned in moments of pain, pressure, or uncertainty.

They helped you survive something. But now, they may be sabotaging your ability to connect. And because horses are such sensitive, attuned beings, they don’t just feel your aids—they feel 𝘆𝗼𝘂.

This isn’t just theory. It’s science.

The Science Behind What Your Horse Feels

Neuroception & the Nervous System

Your horse is constantly reading your state of being through a subconscious process called 𝗻𝗲𝘂𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻—a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, founder of Polyvagal Theory. Neuroception is the brain’s ability to detect safety or threat through cues from another being’s body language, tone, and energy, often before the conscious mind even registers it (Porges, 2011).

Because horses are prey animals, this sensitivity is hardwired for survival. They evolved to scan their environment for subtle signs of threat, and that includes scanning 𝘆𝗼𝘂. So when your body is saying “relax,” but your breath, posture, or tone says “I’m scared,” your horse doesn’t respond to your words. They respond to your 𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗿𝘂𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲.

Heart Rate Variability & Coherence

Research shows that a horse’s heart rate can 𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗰𝗵𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗲 with yours. When you’re calm, coherent, and grounded, your horse often enters that same physiological state. This phenomenon is called cardiac coherence, and it’s been studied extensively by the HeartMath Institute and in equine-assisted therapy research (McCraty & Childre, 2010); (Gehrke, Baldwin & Schiltz, 2011).

If your nervous system is dysregulated—if you’re anxious, tense, or checked out, your horse will likely mirror that state. They may appear spooky, resistant, or shut down, not because of poor training, but because your energy shifted.

𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘂𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝗶𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗿𝘆.

Mirror Neurons & Emotional Resonance

When you approach your horse, they don’t just observe your behavior, they literally 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 you. Like humans, horses appear to have mirror neuron systems that allow them to resonate with your emotions. In one study, horses were able to remember human facial expressions and emotionally associate them with future interactions (Proops et al., 2018). They don’t forget how you made them feel. And they learn who you are beyond what you do.

The Body Keeps the Score

When fear or trauma hasn’t been processed, it doesn’t just live in your mind—it lives in your nervous system, your muscles, and your energy field. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆’𝗿𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗼𝗹𝘃𝗲𝗱 (Van der Kolk, 2014). Horses often act as mirrors for this unresolved tension, offering feedback through their behavior. If you’ve ever wondered why your horse “acts up” when you’re having a bad day, this is why.

The 7 Dark Passengers of Horsemanship

These seven internal patterns aren’t flaws. They’re messengers—pointing you toward the places in yourself that want to heal. Once you identify which one is influencing your horsemanship, you can shift the way you show up.

And 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗳𝘁, 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗳𝘁 𝘁𝗼𝗼.

1. Fear – The Silent Saboteur

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲:

• “What if something goes wrong?”

• “I just need to be careful.”

• “I don’t want to push too far.”

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀: Tension in your body. Short, shallow breath. Hesitation in your cues. Hyperawareness.Fear narrows your focus and disrupts your rhythm, causing your horse to lose confidence in your leadership.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀: Fear is processed through the amygdala and can hijack your ability to regulate your body, especially if you’re reliving past experiences (Levine, 1997). Horses feel the physiological shift and respond accordingly.

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: You don’t need to eliminate fear—you need to ride with it, not from it. Ground yourself with breathing, slow movements, and small wins. Let your horse become a partner in re-patterning safety.

2. Perfectionism – The Illusionist

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲:

• “That wasn’t good enough.”

• “I need to get it exactly right.”

• “I shouldn’t make mistakes.”

  
  

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀: Overcorrection. Frustration. Lack of joy. Inconsistent cues. Self-judgment. Your horse may become tense, confused, or checked out under the pressure.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀: Perfectionism activates sympathetic arousal, which keeps your nervous system on high alert. Horses are designed to avoid sustained tension—over time, they may disengage or develop resistance (Porges, 2011).

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Let go of “perfect.” Let your ride be a conversation, not a test. Mistakes are part of learning—for both of you.

3. The Need for Control – The Unrelenting Dictator

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲:

• “I have to manage every step.”

• “If I let go, it’ll all fall apart.”

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀:Tight reins. Micromanagement. Lack of flow. Conflict over minor issues. Horses may push back, withdraw, or appear “disobedient”—when really, they’re asking for space to think.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀: Control is a common trauma response that gives the illusion of safety (Van der Kolk, 2014). But for horses, true partnership requires mutual regulation, not domination.

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Start with small choices. Let your horse explore liberty work. Offer space for feedback. Let go where you can, and feel how much more your horse offers when they’re invited instead of commanded.

4. Self-Doubt – The Shadow

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲:

• “I’m not good enough.”

• “Everyone else rides better than me.”

• “I need someone to tell me I’m doing it right.”

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀: Tentative cues. Uncertainty. Lack of clarity. Horses follow confidence—not arrogance, but certainty. When you question yourself, your horse mirrors your confusion.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀: Low self-efficacy increases cortisol and suppresses body awareness. This leads to miscommunication and missed feedback (Levine, 1997).

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Rebuild confidence through consistency and reflection. Keep a journal of what went well. Celebrate small moments. Let belief in yourself become the foundation your horse can stand on.

5. Past Trauma & Limiting Beliefs – The Ghost of Yesterday

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲:

• “This always happens.”

• “My last horse did that too.”

• “I’m just not cut out for this.”

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀: Bracing. Expectation of failure. Tension in movement. Repetition of old patterns. Your horse may feel confused by your fear of something they’ve never done.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀: Trauma held in the body can be re-triggered by subtle reminders—sounds, environments, or even emotions. Horses feel when your energy is split between now and “back then” (Van der Kolk, 2014).

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Let this moment be new. Ground into the present with somatic release, breathwork, or guided mindfulness. Let your current horse become your new experience—not a reminder of the old one.

6. Burnout & Overwhelm – The Soul Drainer

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲:

• “I’m too tired to ride.”

• “I feel guilty for not doing more.”

• “This used to be fun.”

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀: Disconnection. Emotional flatness. Going through the motions. Your horse may become unresponsive, distant, or unsettled—mirroring your exhaustion.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀: Chronic sympathetic activation (fight-or-flight) without recovery leads to nervous system depletion. Horses feel this dysregulation and often respond with avoidance or withdrawal (McCraty & Childre, 2010).

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Your presence is more valuable than your productivity. Sit with your horse. Breathe. Laugh. Rest. Reconnect with joy and let that become your fuel.

7. People-Pleasing – The Chameleon

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲:

• “I hope they approve of how I’m riding.”

• “I should say yes to that clinic, even though I’m not ready.”

• “I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀: Inauthentic choices. Suppressed intuition. Disconnect from your horse. Your horse feels the gap between who you are and who you’re pretending to be—and it causes confusion.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆𝘀: Chronic people-pleasing often stems from attachment trauma and fear of rejection. It erodes self-trust and keeps you out of alignment with your body’s truth (Levine, 1997).

𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Listen to your intuition. Ride the way that feels true to you. Say no when needed. Your horse doesn’t want a performer—they want you.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.

It is easy to slip into self-judgment when we realize our horse may be responding to something we are carrying internally. You might feel shame, regret, or frustration, especially if you suspect your internal state has contributed to tension or disconnection. But this work is 𝗻𝗼𝘁 about assigning blame. It is about bringing 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 to what has been unconscious.

The dark passenger is 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗺𝘆. It is not a flaw or a sign that you are unworthy of your horse’s trust. It is a pattern that was formed at a time when you needed it—when it helped you stay safe, succeed, or feel accepted. Maybe it helped you stay in control when life felt chaotic. Maybe it helped you gain approval in an environment where love felt conditional.Maybe it helped you stay small when standing out felt dangerous.

At some point, that part of you had a purpose. But now, it may be operating in a space where it no longer fits. The relationship you have with your horse is not one that demands protection through control, perfectionism, or performance. What it asks for is 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘁𝘆. The invitation now is to see these patterns clearly and integrate them. Not to fight them, but to understand them. To notice: there is fear. There is doubt. There is tension. And then to choose a different response.

To breathe through it.

To stay 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁.

Because 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗳𝘁, 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗶𝘁.

They soften. They settle. They begin to respond to the version of you that is not driven by fear, pressure, or performance, but by presence. Horses do not ask for perfection. They are not looking for polished technique or rigid control. They seek 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗴𝗿𝘂𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲. They follow clarity, consistency, and truth.

The connection you are looking for does not live in the next piece of equipment, the next clinic, or the next fix. It lives in your ability to 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆, to be honest with yourself, and to lead with awareness. This is not about doing more. It is about being aligned mentally, emotionally, and energetically. It begins by asking a simple question:

Who is riding with me today?

And then, 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘀𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺.

Ready to Find Out What’s Riding With You?

To help you identify your primary Dark Passenger, I’ve created a simple but powerful self-discovery tool: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗗𝗮𝗿𝗸 𝗣𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗛𝗼𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗤𝘂𝗶𝘇.

This quiz will help you uncover which internal pattern is currently influencing your horsemanship, how it may be affecting your connection with your horse, and what you can do to shift the dynamic—starting today.

Because your horse already knows what’s riding with you. It’s time you did too.

👉 Take the Dark Passenger Horsemanship Quiz now

Join the Conversation

Thank you for taking the time to read this post! 𝗜'𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀, 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀, 𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀—feel free to share them in the comments below. If you found this blog helpful, 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗲 it with fellow equestrians who might benefit from these insights. Together, we can build a more compassionate and connected equine community! 🐴✨

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Supporting Research

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton.

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.

Gehrke, E. K., Baldwin, A., & Schiltz, P. M. (2011). Heart rate variability in horses engaged in equine-assisted activities. Journal of Equine Veterinary Science.

McCraty, R., & Childre, D. (2010). Coherence: Bridging Personal, Social, and Global Health.

Proops, L., Grounds, K., Smith, A. V., & McComb, K. (2018). Animals remember previous facial expressions that specific humans have displayed. Current Biology.

These sources 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗿𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲 the argument that starting horses too early leads to 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴-𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺 physical and psychological consequences, while delaying ridden work allows for stronger, healthier, and more mentally balanced equine partners.